


The Idea Of Belonging

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: Primeval
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:30:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was like being stuck in a skin that she couldn’t seem to shed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Idea Of Belonging

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the song fic challenge at VSX.
> 
> Song used was [Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park](http://youtu.be/gcs5PRxEXq4)

_(When this began)  
I had nothing to say  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me  
(I was confused)  
And I let it all out to find  
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind..._

 

She always felt like she was a stranger in her own life.

She was raised with a certain set of ideals and constrictions as was proper for a woman in Victorian England. Yet, no matter how hard she tried to conform to what she knew she should do, or how much trouble she got into for her wild ways and her defiance, she couldn’t seem to fight the unsettled feelings within herself. There just seemed to always be something that was riding her.

To make her parents happy, she married Lord Henry Merchant; however, even being wed couldn’t quell the feeling of restlessness within her. If anything, it seemed to do nothing but make all of those feelings worse and even stronger. She tried to be the wife that her husband wanted, but she just couldn’t seem to become the proper kind of wife that he desired.

There was too much wildness in her soul and far too much defiance in her words and actions. It was obvious to her that her marriage was already on a slippery slope. She knew that it possibly couldn’t last very long with the way that things were already going between the two of them.

When the Gateway appeared shortly after her wedding day, it seemed like the answer to her prayers. Well, if she had been overmuch for praying. She didn’t pause and she didn’t think twice before she was walking through it at a quick pace.

The Gateway closed behind her, trapping her in this new place and locking her away from her own world. It was strange though, that she welcomed that way being blocked to her. It took the decision of whether to run back to her world out of her hands.

The world she found herself in was nothing like home and that was something she was very relieved by. This new world was one that she didn’t know or understand, but it was a welcomed change. It was an adventure beyond her wildest dreams. Here, she could learn new things and adapt to her surroundings. Here, she could grow and experience and not feel so trapped.

 

 _I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away, I'll find myself today ... _

 

Emily thrived in the new life she found for herself as she travelled through the different Gateways she came across. It surprised her only a little because it was so unlike the world she had been born into. It was beyond anything that she had ever imagined. She found that she was quick to adapt to new surroundings and she was quick to pick up a survival instinct. She was in her element living the life of an explorer. When she came across The Time Tribe after travelling through another Gateway, she discovered something else that she was fairly good at.

She seemed to be adept at being a leader and helping others.

Some of The Time Tribe members were like her – they wandered through Gateways that appeared in their worlds because they were looking for something more. They didn’t fit in with family or time and they took a chance that somewhere out there was a world they would feel more at ease in. They believed there was a place where they could be themselves without fear of being ostracized or made into an outcast in the world they were born into. This world was new and ever-changing depending on how often they came across a new Gateway.

Others of The Time Tribe were people who had ended up locked away from their worlds quite by accident. They hadn’t meant to walk through the Gateway, but they had and when they couldn’t get home, they attached themselves to the group in an attempt to feel safer and maybe in their travels, they would find a way back to their own home. Even when the acclimated to The Time Tribe and how it functioned, these people still felt out of place and they were the ones that Emily wanted to help. Just because she loved this new life didn’t mean that everyone would.

It gave her a kind of a purpose, even if she wasn’t feeling the need to find one right now.

 

 _What do I have but negativity  
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me  
(Nothing to lose)..._

Somehow she knew right from the start that Ethan was going to be trouble. When he fell in love with Charlotte, he became a little easier to control and a little less prone to violent outbursts of temper. There was something about the gentle Charlotte that kept all of the violence and rage within Ethan tethered and kept him from hurting anyone. He was completely devoted to Charlotte and that made a lot of the others in The Time Tribe feel a lot better about him being around.

Everything was fine and a semblance of normal for the group until they went through a Gateway that was more trouble than anything else. When Charlotte fell ill, Emily knew enough about medicine to know that they had to find her a doctor.

Unfortunately, going through the correct Gateway to find anything was always a guessing game and this time was no different. Four Gateways later, they hadn’t found any assistance and Charlotte was getting sicker with every moment that passed.

When they found the next Gateway, Emily made the decision that she and Ethan would take Charlotte through it. This guaranteed that when something went wrong – and it would, both Emily and Charlotte had already realized that – Ethan’s rage wouldn’t be felt by the entire tribe. Some thought her mad for setting on such a dangerous course, but others were just relieved that they wouldn’t bear the brunt of Ethan’s rage.

None of them had counted on the fact that the Gateway opened into a _theatre_ \-- or that Charlotte would die before they could even get outside.

 

 _Looking everywhere only to find  
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
(So what am I)..._

Matt Anderson was either one of the most infuriating men she had ever met – or one of the most fascinating. He didn’t have a problem believing her when he found out that she came through a Gateway; but he was also infuriating in that he believed that she was in need of a Gateway back to _her_ correct time.

She needed to get out of this time, but it was because she needed to get back to her people. The Time Tribe relied on her and they were the ones that had been given her loyalty, not a time that didn’t know what to do with someone like her who didn’t belong. She had no desire to go back to a place where she couldn’t feel comfortable and at peace in her own skin.

However, the more time she spent with Matt, the more she wondered if she could find a place in this world. She had dreams of where she would go back to her Tribe and find them a new leader, and then come back here to where Matt was. She could be safe here. She could work with Abby and the others and she would find another life that held just as much meaning as what she had been doing with The Time Tribe.

The wedding of Abby’s friend was one of those times that brought everything to a clear point in Emily’s mind. What was between Abby and Connor, and Jenny and her husband was what formed a real partnership. The marriage she had with Henry never would have been a real partnership because Henry would never have seen her as anything but a lesser mind because she was a woman. Michael and Connor didn’t view Jenny and Abby in that way – and she could see that Matt didn’t see her like that, either.

She could stay here. She could have a good life here, even if nothing developed between her and Matt but friendship.

She could _belong_ here.

 

 _And I’ve got nothing to say  
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face  
(I was confused)..._

The revelation of Matt and his mission should probably have surprised her more. She was sure that he expected it to, but when she considered all of the things she had seen and fought, well, if she could have explained it, maybe then he would have understood her lack of surprise. The only thing that did surprise her was the way he described the world he had come from. What did upset her was the idea that the world could end up as something as harsh as that. How could a world with so many wonderful things become a dying world such as Matt’s home?

Emily wanted to help him. She wanted to be his partner and his friend. She wanted him to know that he didn’t have to be alone and he didn’t have to keep his distance from everyone that he worked with to protect his secret. Having someone that knew what he was doing and who believed in him would be an asset to him. She thought that he would appreciate having someone that he could be himself with.

It might have happened that way. It might have been everything that Emily hoped it would be. It might have meant the start of something strong and meaningful between her and Matt.

It might have been, but then Ethan showed up again and he kidnapped her. Part of it was so that he could punish her for Charlotte’s death, but he also wanted access to the Gateways that the ARC kept track of. He wanted to disappear and the best way to get what he wanted was to use people around him.

After it was over and Ethan disappeared, Emily had seen in Matt’s face that there wasn’t any hope of a life with him. She didn’t agree with his reasons for sending her back to her own time, but she could understand them. He felt he had a duty, something that was more important than the things that the two of them wanted; and she knew Matt wanted what she wanted. She hadn’t imagined the love and relief in his eyes when he found her still alive after the first time Ethan had kidnapped her for his own agenda.  
She saw what he wanted in his eyes, and heard what he had to do when he spoke to her. For the ability to carry out his mission, she had to leave. He couldn’t be distracted by his feelings for her when there was an entire world to save.

She could understand it, but she didn’t have to like it.

When did goodbyes become so damn hard?

 

 _I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real  
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong..._

Walking away from Matt and through that Gateway was the hardest thing she thought she may have ever done. She had a lot of experiences in her life to think about, but she was sure that nothing had ever come close to hurting as much as saying goodbye to him. There had been a flicker in his eyes when she said she could let the Gateway close and that would be that, but in the end, his mission was more important than any of his personal feelings.

It strange knew that she was going back to her own time – the time that she was so quick to run away from the first time. Being back was like being stuck in a skin that she couldn’t seem to shed. She knew it would be difficult, but she hadn’t realized just how strange it would be. If she hadn’t fit in before, it was even more apparent that she didn’t belong after everything she had been through. She had changed much more than she realized when she was traveling with the Time Tribe.

It was something that she would need to get back to. Those people needed her and that life had made her happier than anything else ever had. The exception to that had been Matt, but she was trying not to think too much about him. She understood about his duty and his choices, but it still hurt to think about him. She loved him more than she thought it was possible to love someone, and it had taught her some very important things about herself.

Knowing all of these things, she would pretend to pick up the pieces of her former life and once again act the part of the proper Victorian wife. This time, though, she wouldn’t despair about not fitting in because sooner or later she would find another Gateway and she would take herself back to the people she had left. She wasn’t trapped the way she had been before her marriage. Now she knew that there were other worlds out there and there was a place she belonged and fit in.

She didn’t have to settle or pretend and maybe, in some way, she and the Time Tribe would find a way to do things that would help Matt in his future.

It was a nice thought and she liked having something to believe in for the future.

She also wouldn’t deny that some small part of her hoped that she would see Matt again during her travels.

 

 _But all that they can see the words revealed  
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel...  
I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away, I'll find myself today..._


End file.
